May 2013
1 post
Eaglelitarianism: Towards equal social status for...
I have no metric for whether or not this is interesting. Usually I judge by making myself laugh, but tonight ain’t laff time. This isn’t a super serious sad post or anything, but it is a reaffirmation of some home truths, and it would have been too long (read: it’s already too long) if I went to the effort of putting in lots of jokes.
Warning: contains old news, abstract...
April 2013
4 posts
Across The Threshold
So, this isn’t usually what I write here, but today called for a bit of seriousness. Fair warning.
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It has been a long time since I cried in public. There’s a part of me that needs to cry, maybe more often than most – but it’s been suppressed for a few years now. I’m sure anyone with a modicum of emotional honesty has felt the need, but had a physical inability to do so at some...
My autocorrect turns transgressive into transvestism. Goddamn heteronormative cryptofacist programmers.
Future music festival is bullshit, they play all the songs in the present.
Thoroughflect
I’m stuck quite far inside my head. Specifically, I’m stuck somewhere under a pile of thoughts about art, work and the double choc fudge McFlurry. It’s 1960 kilojoules of regret. At least I did get something done. I found out that one of my eyes is shit.
Over the last few years I’ve noticed it getting harder to read and aim paper planes at vulnerable animals. I...
March 2013
2 posts
Long distance relationships are terrible. Especially when your partner doesn’t know that they’re part of the relationship. And you’ve never spoken to them. And the length of the distance is ‘slightly across the room’. I empathise with the longing art of the poets, or those people that write to the MX. ‘I saw you on a train, you were wearing a hat, I was the guy...
Poolside Pulpit
Back at uni for the year. I’m already having ideas again. Like, actual ideas. Today I was thinking about Hobbes’ state of nature, and social contract theory as an approach to happiness, a mode of eudaemonia. I also realised that the fantasy world and narrative of Harry Potter is the coping mechanism of an abused orphan who needed a fiction to deal with their abusive adoptive parents....
February 2013
1 post
1 tag
Mississippi Burnt
I just finished watching a documentary on the roots of blues music. There’s something magic about those early 20th century artists with wonky rhythm guitar and the 1-4-5 licks. The fire in the stories of oppression never lost their flicker as the structure allowed for so much instrumental improvisation. I wanted to post the lyrics to a delta blues classic here for posterity; so much folk...
September 2012
3 posts
struggelingartsstudent asked: your blog is perfection holy mother of jesus. everything, all your words and brain and just oh my lord.
11 tags
The Odd Function Of Podcasts
I haven’t properly written about podcasts before. This is a bit odd, considering I now listen to upwards of five hours of comedy podcasts a week. The majority of the podcasts I listen to are reasonably unstructured, with little attempt to trade the success of the podcast into commercial enterprise in other media. It’s because of this that podcasters are allowed to be so revealing,...
Beef beef
It’s just shy of 3AM. I just got home from a service station. It’s not clear to you or me why I should have been sober, alone, and at a servo on a freezing Thursday night. If I could be sure about why exactly I was there, then I might be less confused about how my life actually relates to the universe. What is resoundingly clear is the ‘ready-to-eat beef snack’ entrails...
August 2012
1 post
French Press Jam
Finally finished failing to decipher the graphs of monsieur Levi-Strauss. It’s kind of odd picking up uni subjects under the assumption that I won’t go on to study them further. It feels the same as in high school in an Italian class when you’d learn how to ask the milkman whether or not he likes he likes Yacht Rock. It’s definitely knowledge, but you won’t ever apply...
May 2012
2 posts
Neurovert Redux
I haven’t been getting out much lately. Running away with a hoarders episode worth of canned goods and learning to make wi-fi from native animals is less a fantasy now, and rather an impending reality I have to fight. Spending at least 130 hours a week alone, many of those in the company of others, can lead one to do some strange things.
Last week I contemplated writing a manifesto in...
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy.
But here’s my number, so call me in the case of medical emergencies.
I’m not a doctor or anything but I did a first aid course once.
My phone’s usually on.
I heard that they changed the CPR thing?
Apparently you’re not supposed to breathe in their mouth or whatever anymore.
But yeah chuck us a call or whatever if you want to do...
April 2012
6 posts
8 tags
MICF
I’m feeling weird. It’s all fine, but yesterday I did think I was going to die. No idea why, and so I was a bit surprised when I woke up this morning. Not in an anxious, hypochondriacal way, I just felt like it was the end. So now it’s not the end, and I’ve overcome existential terror through an abrbitrarily precise act of not-dying.
So, comedy.
“It’s like...
2 tags
Horoscopes, Monday the 16th of April
Aries: Mar 21 - Apr 19
Other people might be feeling emotions today, and as such one should act as though they may cause feelings in others.
Taurus: Apr 20 - May 20
If you’re planning to speak to someone, be sure to say what you mean.
Gemini: May 21 - Jun 20
While appearing outwardly personable, inwardly you will have different feelings. Beware of ‘phishing’...
1 tag
Hinterland Shandy
When I bought this monitor it frustrated me because my eyes were drawn to one black pixel.
A year later and it’s infuriating, because I can’t figure out where the pixel is.
It is, most annoyingly of all, an analogy. The phantasms we’re haunted by follow our every conscious thought and infect each action. They stretch for days and weeks, ripen gradually and fall like the fruit...
1 tag
l'existence n'a pas battu l'ironie
Fromage de Meaux is a variety of Brie cheese, and is one of the only two varieties recognised by the French governmental bureau Appellation d’Origine Contrôlée as the genuine article.France was a country created by noted American artist Man Ray (Emmanuel Radnitzky) during his surrealist period. After various terraforming and mass hypnosis efforts, Man Ray moved to Le Marais, Paris, to pursue a...
1 tag
Myocordial Infarction: Strawberry Palpitations
Tips for remaining a boorish introvert:
On social networking sites, Google answers to questions people post and do one of the following:
If it’s common knowledge, but you still had to research the answer, don’t post the information as doing so would compromise your intellectual standing.
If it’s uncommon knowledge, and you had to research the answer, post the information with...
March 2012
9 posts
1 tag
Anonymous asked: Good to hear. In that case, I’ll invest my solicitude for your well being and stalking into something productive.
1 tag
Anonymous asked: "Lingering listlessness and pragmatic depression cause one to feel that happiness can only ever be solace. And writing self important sentences like that affirm the inner poet. " Ha, sagacity at it's best. But should we be concerned?
1 tag
Nice to meet you, let's talk about my childhood.
I’ve had like nine beers, because it’s been a long day and I have problems.
Thank god I’m sticking to my drinking only alone resolution.
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At least they were nice beers. Like, some sort of fruity stout. I didn’t even like stout two years ago. I think hops might be a masculinity thing. If it isn’t, what am I doing? I take refuge in the hope that vices make...
1 tag
Anonymous asked: Being a wang is perfectly justifiable if you write interestingly. Which you do. So wang away.
1 tag
Anonymous asked: I enjoy your writing and think you should do more of it.
1 tag
Crypto-Punctilian Neologist
My grandmother has never been one to speak directly. Like her homeboy, seminal prophet Jesus Christ, she’s fond of parabolic nonsense. I thank her, every day, for giving me the faculties of unwarranted judgement and passive aggression. Having an extended conversation about her bible study group, she relayed the story she told them last night. Their topic was the question “How do you...
1 tag
Anonymous asked: Hi, long time listener, first time caller; I was wondering what your thoughts were on our new insect overlords? - Nancy, Age 4 (no relation)
1 tag
Anonymous asked: Is it true that, due to lack of creative stimulation and time that you've resorted to asking yourself questions on a blog that no one asked you to write that doesn't quite fill your self-agrandising lust for a creative outlet? -Nancy, age 4
February 2012
1 post
January 2012
5 posts
1 tag
POEM (Now with minimal ironic spelling)
I don’t know anything about geography
I don’t know how to do jokes about places
Austria (what’s the deal with)
And Except this one I did:
TuRiN
fLoReNcE
RoMe
It’s a joke about Italy alternating capitals
I even looked up Italy just to make it
I don’t know why people don’t laugh when I tell them
Casper Ramone: Swearing about fuck nothing.
Why you don’t have to be a post-contrarian contrarian cunt about dubstep:
I’ve seen a lot of criticism of dubstep around lately. I’m not a huge dubstep fan, but it’s copping the same old shit that seminal electronic music did. Namely, stuff about lack of instruments, lack of skill and homogeneous proliferation. I don’t usually like chiming in on matters of taste...
1 tag
Post Modern Judo: Immaculate Inception
King of Kong:
The Story of Some Nice Failure’s Battle with Obfuscating Fuckwit Billy Mitchell
This documentary is a catalogue of the ways in which meaning is created in a vacuum. The film exposes the absolute depravity of contrived nuance. It’s kind of scary. There’s one scene where Billy Mitchel is all like “Hey, look at me, you should be able to figure out my...
December 2011
1 post
November 2011
5 posts
1 tag
I expected that physical work would foment my masculinity, turns out at the end of the day I still moisturise my hands.
1 tag
They say don't get high on your own supply but I...
Left the house at 11 o’clock, back by two. Sober. Didn’t go into the places I was going to go into, but somehow spent fifty dollars. Had a stomach ache all day but played video games while watching Bored To Death. Wasn’t Bored To Death. A lady in the BP servo didn’t have shoes on, excitedly adjusted her tits looking into her reflection in the dairy cabinet. She said...
1 tag
Braheartbreak
I can’t play music louder than my neighbour’s drumming. At this point the best I can do is play a capella tracks in sync. Anyway, I did an exam today for Philosophy of Natural Science on about three hours sleep. The course was pretty fucking dry, but there were some interesting bits. I like the (possibly innacurate) story of Tycho Brahe, a 16th century astronomer. He worked with...
1 tag
I’m glad the wind picked up. My room was getting all Guantanamo.
I really enjoyed Teenage Paparazzo. It’s a documentary by Adrian Grenier (Vinny Chase, Entourage) about the life of 14 year old paparazzi Austin. Or, it is for the first fifteen minutes. Interviews with celebrities about Austin build into interviews with celebrities and academics about celebrity culture and media through the lens of voyeurism. There are some really interesting points made...
October 2011
3 posts
1 tag
Some stuff I wrote last night under duress.
I’ve been seeing a lot of statuses about graduation lately. It’s made me feel weird. It feels like I’m longing for those carefree days, roughly a year ago now, when the hours were filled with promise, when I thought anything was possible. The reason this feels weird, not nostalgic, is that I didn’t ever have that feeling. Rose...
1 tag
I haven’t written anything in the last few weeks. Most of that energy has been going on the weekly pre-deadline all nighter. And I haven’t been drinking. Yesterday I should have been working on the assignment I finished at seven thirty this morning. Instead I watched all of Breaking Bad season 4 and started at midnight. Worth it. I forgot how flippin’ good that show is. If you...
1 tag
I have to stop being sardonic when I’m talking to people about their tattoos. Last night I met a guy with a wrist tattoo that incorporated some Latin text. When I asked him what it meant he told me that he’s never told anyone, and he’ll keep it with him to the grave. I replied by saying something about how if we want to express our inner most philosophies we should definitely get...
September 2011
1 post
1 tag
Fuck Possums
It’s not sweater weather. What part of my brain looks outside, sees birds in the bird bath and sun on the leaves and tells me to wear two shirts and a fucking sweater. At least my lecturer is a sweater aficionado.
So this lecturer, after rocking up ten minutes late proceeds to tell people that half the essays were great and half were terrible. He then goes on to get people to call out...
August 2011
2 posts
I just found this and I fucking love it. →
The tweets of the profound and prolific Benjamin Vance (of Louisville, Kentucky).
1 tag
An Unattended Petri Dish
This morning on my way to uni I saw a dude, and he was a dude, riding a rasta coloured bike that was two to three meters off the ground. It reminded me of the time a dreadlock’d man exited a tram to knock on my car window, smile and show me a pinecone. I feel like I’m being conditioned to see the cracks in reality, like when Neo gets all humdrum and follows a rabbit or whatever. I...
July 2011
2 posts
1 tag
Ennui's My Steez
I expected to spend tonight in some run down country motel. This is however, unpleasantly pleasant. There is tv, beds, heater, electric blankets and wi-fi to boot. All the trappings of city living with the friendly-fresh country atmosphere and people. Disgusting. I want to go for a walk but it’s midnight and I don’t want to get wolf creeked. I haven’t seen that movie but I guess...
1 tag
Get It Done
I woke up at 5:43 this morning with a hangover, and decided to willpower myself out of it. If anti-smoking ads have taught me anything, you can will yourself into doing anything. Except quit smoking.
It kind of worries me that the other night I drank a cirrhosis worth of beer, and was hungover the next day… until I had another drink. I thought I wasn’t drinking that much, and then...
May 2011
1 post
1 tag
Check My Wingspan
This coffee is awful. My favorite coffee shop on campus has a 1/3 chance of making you a 4 dollar coffee that tastes like burnt pot. But it’s big. Fuck off huge in fact.
I haven’t written properly in a while. Plenty of school work and drama seem to prevent that. And I miss it. Even if it’s not being read by anyone, it’s still fun. I still get something out of writing for...
